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Financial adviceAsk Evelyn
This is your very own portal to raise questions or concerns involving the world we single parents and step parents live in. All questions concerning parenting (its highs and lows) will be reviewed by Evelyn. Whether it's about child-rearing or other usual parent problems such as handling
savings, Evelyn will try to address it.
Q –
I am feeling very frustrated at the moment. I receive nothing from my ex for my son who is 11. I am trying the CSA but they are rubbish and do nothing. I go without so much while he spends all his money on himself. My son sees his dad a lot in the holidays and I even pick my son up one day a week and hand him over to his dad who can’t get him in the week. I just feel so angry. I am very poor and can’t afford a solicitor. His dad pays nothing, helps with nothing, but gets to have my son and my son loves him. My ex also tries to turn my son against me. What options do I have?
A – 1 January 2008 –
I fully appreciate what you are saying. My advice would be, skint or not, to avoid unnecessary solicitors’ costs whenever possible and get down to your local Citizens Advice Bureau. I have personally known excellent solicitors who give their time freely to see people at CAB.
On the personal front, try to avoid mixing up the visitation rights (that your ex has, whether as part of a contact order agreed in court, or just agreed by yourselves) with the subject of finance/maintenance. The fact that he does not pay you does not mean you can or should stop your son from seeing him - that will not go down well in court should you ever find yourself there. Try, as difficult as it may seem, to be the nice guy!
I hear all too often from mums battling it all on their own that absent fathers end up being ‘McDonald dads’ - a horrible phrase but true. Theirs is the fun time and mums have to do all the rest - I speak from experience on this one. Have you got anybody that you can talk to on a one-to-one basis - preferably somebody who will be sympathetic and unbiased - maybe a good friend or your local vicar?
Read your letter to me again. You clearly state that your son loves his father - and this is as it should be! Try to stay focused on that, as children do love unconditionally.
I would, however, have a quiet word in Dad’s ear - but NOT when you are cross - and say you would prefer it if he did not badmouth you to your son as it is hurtful, damaging to your son and does not help the already difficult situation.
I hope you get the financial situation sorted more fairly. There are plenty of legal websites you can visit that give you information on what he should be paying. Try approaching him yourself, calmly – he does have a legal duty to provide for your son so remind him of
that. Don’t forget he, too, would have to pay solicitors’ costs - let him see it is in his best interest, too, to do what you both can without that cost.
Good luck and best wishes for the New Year. It is painful when the emotions are still raw, but it does get easier.
Evelyn
Q –
Dear Evelyn
Since me and my husband divorced money has been tight because the finances are still to be sorted out. Can you suggest inexpensive ways to keep my three young children - four, eight and 11 occupied during the long summer holidays?
Daisy
A – 29 August 2007 –
Dear Daisy
Apologies for delay in responding but I have been away myself and juggling the school holidays with clients’ work as a solo parent isn’t easy… I know! The school holidays are long enough for parents who are together and seem even longer and more of a strain emotionally, not to mention financially, when you are doing it alone.
Unfortunately, the weather often determines how much entertaining one’s children costs. If it is sunny and dry they are happy to play in the garden or go to the park but when it’s wet we have to resort to ‘indoor activities’. Limited funds affect how many trips to the cinema or day camps one can provide.
The obvious ways to keep kids occupied often get forgotten, cooking – simple cake making, any arts and crafts, as long as you are prepared to clean up the mess after! Writing diaries or short stories can be fun too for the 8 to 11 year olds – try getting them to write a story in 50 words. It does get easier as they get older as they will find other hobbies to occupy themselves with.
Hoping this gets to you before the holiday is over, but the library is often a good source of inexpensive if not free activities locally and some local authorities publish magazines. I know our school handed all sorts of paperwork out to the children leading up to the end of term.
Have you thought about having a clear-out of toys and books and doing a car boot stall or donating the unwanted treasures to a local charity shop? Two incentives here – they are helping others and making room for Christmas presents. I did this with my daughter few weeks back and, when we took our bags into the cancer research shop, she found a video of a film she had wanted for ages. So after a busy day of clearing cupboards we went home, cuddled on the sofa and watched the film together for £1.50 – cheaper than the cinema!
Good luck with it all and remember feeling loved, wanted and having your time is often all they need –it shouldn’t be just about the money spent on them. As sole carer you may not realise just how special spending the holidays with you is to your children. Who would be a Mum? My heart goes out to you if recently divorced.
Evelyn
Q –
My husband and I are in the throws of getting a divorce. I am worried that my previously hectic social life will soon be non-existent. While married I tried to play the dutiful wife by attending business functions with my partner and became involved with most of his hobbies though slowly became a cricket widow! If I am honest I have been somewhat lazy and neglectful of my own friends – more so recently as I didn’t want them to know how bad things had become. How does one start up a new social life in a ‘couples world’?
A – 4 June 2007 –
Good question, and one that I am often asked. Maybe now is the time to look at evening classes this could be for either pleasure or educational reasons and an excellent way of meeting new people. Whilst many friends may not invite you for ‘couples dinners’ this is a time when you need your friends – neglected or otherwise – you will be amazed how supportive they can be. Often when marriages are failing we tend to hide ourselves away. Organise a ladies’ evening at your own home – many would welcome an evening out away from their husband and children. The main thing is you have to make an effort and try saying yes to new things.
Q –
My husband has met somebody else and is planning to leave me and our son. He has always dealt with any paperwork, especially anything of a legal nature. I am dreading going to a solicitor. Do you have any tips to over come my fear and how to stop myself breaking down in front of a complete stranger?
A – 12 May 2007 –
You are not alone. In most relationships it is often the way that one person is better at, say, gardening, decorating and the other with paperwork. Whilst you can get somebody in to do the decorating and gardening, going to see a solicitor is something you will have to do yourself, though taking a relative or close friend with you may help if you are really nervous. Remember, the solicitor has chosen family law as their career. He or she is actually there to help you reach certain decisions and they will not be phased by you shedding a tear or two. My solicitor was a perfect gentleman and I always left his office feeling better. The sooner you take control of those areas of your life which feel alien to you the stronger you will feel. I would also suggest that initially you telephone your local Citizen’s Advice Bureau. You may not find this quite so daunting and they will be able to help you prepare yourself for a meeting with a solicitor when you feel ready. Believe me it is not as bad as going to the dentist!
Q –
Since my partner moved out some 18 months ago, my youngest child has taken to sleeping with me. Obviously he misses his father and has needed me more. He is an affectionate child. However, I am concerned that long term this is not healthy for him and one day I might meet somebody new and need the whole of the bed! How do I stop this from happening without upsetting my son? I do not want him to become a mummy’s boy. He is aged 7 by the way.
A – 4 May 2007 –
Good question, and one that I am often asked. Maybe now is the time to look at evening classes this could be for either pleasure or educational reasons and an excellent way of meeting new people. Whilst many friends may not invite you for ‘couples dinners’ this is a time when you need your friends – neglected or otherwise – you will be amazed how supportive they can be. Often when marriages are failing we tend to hide ourselves away. Organise a ladies’ evening at your own home – many would welcome an evening out away from their husband and children. The main thing is you have to make an effort and try saying yes to new things.
