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Special Feature – archive

Life as a widowed single dad

by Ian Newbold

Single parenting is not unusual. However, I find myself in the less-than-usual position of being a residential single father – I know it’s uncommon as I’ve yet to meet another. But for a change in gender, though, I’m also mother. This came about due to the death of my wonderful wife, Samantha.

In our late twenties our life was picture perfect. Samantha had just become a mother –something she seemed born to do – and I had a very well-paid job that still allowed me the time to be very active part of the family unit. Max, our beautiful boy, was thriving and we were all blissfully happy. Then, when Max was just seven months old, and while we were on our first real holiday together, Samantha suffered heart failure and passed away aged just 30. It was a shocking and truly horrible experience that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. Our loosely set-out life plan was destroyed – and I was left single and with a very young child to care for.  

Ditching the day job

As I was always interested in all aspects of Max’s life and liked to be able to cope with him on my own, even while Samantha was alive, I felt well equipped to look after Max on a full-time basis. I set about creating a new and still positive routine for Max. He was a very good baby in the main, although he took longer than average to sleep through the night. This actually suited my circumstances to begin with as it gave me a very good distraction in the small hours when I felt most alone and vulnerable. We quickly settled into a routine, and I carried on doing some of the activities that Sam had started, such as mother and toddler groups, swimming and visiting farms.  Having two sets of willing and able grandparents also helped and continues to do so.  They give me regular ‘days off’ and I rest easy in the knowledge that a free, trustworthy babysitting service is virtually always available.

Being a single parent means finances are always going to be a concern and spending must be kept to a minimum. Working in a well-paid job had giving me reasonable savings, once earmarked for the future, now in use as my income while not ‘working’. When I took the decision to leave gainful employment and look after Max, I was hit with what I felt was a surprising amount of negative reaction. Many people expressed the opinion that the rearing of children should be left to the females and showed surprise that I didn’t choose to rely on the grandmothers more. I struggled with this reaction, mainly because I was so sure of myself and the decision I was making. This response, however, gave me even more focus on Max and trust in my instincts, a trait that most good mothers also seem to follow.

It is a huge positive being able to spend so much time with your child, especially while they are very young, regardless of your gender. As a single parent you can bring up your children with great clarity, as you are responsible for the big decisions and your children cannot play off  their parents to yield a result they desire. You can manage your child’s upbringing on your terms and in accordance with your ideologies.

I’m not too sure how being a single dad differs to being a single mum. You do get a lot of disturbing looks at playgroups and on days out during the week – though I think all new parents probably have varying degrees of paranoia and can imagine peoples’ perceptions to be a lot worse than they actually are.

A man in a woman’s world

Since becoming a single parent I have lived in two very different environments. Initially I lived with Max in an urban area where there seemed to be a lot going on, but very little community spirit. I found mothers at these groups to be generally polite, but less willing to entertain conversations with me than with their female counterparts. There were exceptions, but these were few and far between. In the 18 months or so I was living and actively taking part in local groups I, or more specifically Max, received no invitations to other groups or even just to other’s houses so the children could play together.

Now, living in a semi-rural location, there are fewer facilities but similar groups can still be found. The parents here seem much more interested – maybe that’s just part of village life. It hasn’t taken long for me to be invited on the women’s nights out, which have been entertaining and very positive. Max has scored a lot of friends and we are welcome in many homes and gardens around the village. Interestingly, it has really been this group of women that has pointed out to me that resistance to my presence may have been down to the fact that I’m single. Their take is that tongues wag, especially among competitive housewives, and that could mean a totally innocent invitation soon becomes a mythical affair that the rest of the room is talking about.

Ignoring the wagging tongues

Having discussed this subject at some length, I’m now more willing to take that risk and ask children and their parents to join us out and about and at home. People will always gossip – I’ve got quite good at it myself! But I’m of a mind that, as a single dad, the idle speculation of other people shouldn’t stop my child having as normal an upbringing as possible.


Pics: top, Ian and Samantha with baby Max; lower, Ian with Max today.