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Special Feature – archive

Keeping the step parent–child bond through marital breakdown

by Claire Thomas

It’s not news that the traditional nuclear family is no longer the norm. Over forty per cent of all marriages now end in divorce. But that figure shoots up alarmingly to more than sixty per cent of second marriages. When a stepparent–stepchild relationship is caught in the fallout, the potential for tremendous sadness exists, as stepparents have no legal rights to contact with their stepchildren after marital breakdown.

Many stepparents work hard to forge a relationship with their stepchild. Equally, a stepchild may have bonded strongly with their stepparent, especially if they have been living together. The freedom to maintain this relationship is entirely dependent on the goodwill of their ex-partner/parent – and, as we all know, when a relationship has ended this can’t be taken for granted. So what can a stepparent do?

First, your stepchild may need you. They may not understand why your relationship with their parent has ended. They may miss you, and feel unsettled by the change in their home situation. They may even feel abandoned or rejected. This can be especially the case if their other birth parent has no contact with them. Continuing contact will not only reassure your stepchild of your continuing affection, but help them to come to terms with the break-up.

What form should contact take? This depends entirely on circumstances. You could offer to babysit for your stepchild once a week, or to take them out each weekend. If the two of you share a hobby – for example, you used to go to the football together – this can be a good basis for contact. The important thing is that contact should be absolutely regular – where possible, at the same day and time each week. This will help your stepchild understand that you can be relied upon. Don’t commit to more contact initially than you feel you can keep up in the long term; it’s far better to start with a little contact and build it up, than to see your stepchild three times a week for a couple of months and then tail off as you adjust to your new life.
 
But what if your ex-partner does not want you to continue to see their child? If you cannot persuade them that it is in the child’s best interests, it may be possible to ask a friend or member of the family to approach your ex on your behalf. In certain cases, it may be worth going to a solicitor, but it is very rare for a court to award contact to a stepparent against the wishes of the birth parent. The best way really is to persuade your ex-partner to agree to a little contact each week, in the knowledge that it will benefit their child.

Be prepared for some difficulty, especially with younger children. My stepson was two when his father and I split up, and we had been living together for six months. On my regular visits at ten a.m. each Saturday he would scream and cry whenever I left the room, which was very distressing for me, especially since I was already upset by having to see my ex-partner at the same time. Some months later, he has adjusted well to the new situation and now understands that, although I go away, I always come back. Your stepchild may well display their distress at the break-up with bad behaviour, playing up or trying to provoke you when they see you. Try not to rise to this; keep to the same rules of discipline as you did when you were still with their parent, and the bad behaviour will subside as your stepchild adjusts to the new situation ... and they will, all the quicker because you are making the effort to continue to see them.  

Whatever the difficulties to the stepparent, there is no doubt that contact can be extremely beneficial both to the stepparent, and most of all, to the stepchild who, after all, is the person at the heart of the matter.