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Special Feature – archive

Dating again? Remember your priorities

by Alan Matthews

As a follow-up to my last article (Give yourself some credit!, June 2008) about improving self-esteem and self-confidence, you may wish to use some of that new-found confidence to help get you back into the dating scene.

On the break-up of a marriage or long-term partnership we often sit back and think ‘never again!’ However, after a certain period we start to feel the urge to have that ‘someone special’ back in our lives. As single parents we have to accept that we come as a package, and that anyone coming into our life must be aware of our circumstances and understand and accept them. At the beginning we must also get out of our heads the fear that there are no good women/men left out there, and that no-one will be interested in a single parent ... or that we will just have to accept whoever comes along.

In fact, if we are true to ourselves we will find that there are lots and lots of people out there looking – just as we are.

Dating and relationships have changed dramatically over the years. Whereas in the past we were more inclined to be satisfied with a certain level of comfort and security from our partner, our expectations are now  different.

We now look to be happy in a relationship. Sounds simple! But the pursuit of happiness can in itself contribute to the failure of a marriage or relationship. We want to be happy – BUT do we know how?

To help us achieve the happiness we all desire in a new relationship we need to know:

• Who we are
• What we want
• Our needs.

To begin with, we need to decide several things. Is it a fun, dating relationship we want, one where we enjoy recreational things without any strings? Or is it a long-term relationship with commitment that we seek? Whichever we decide on we must always be authentic – we are unique and wonderfully individual – and therefore be who we are and not give out a false image to someone in the hope they won’t see the ‘hidden cracks’.

Once we have decided on the type of relationship we are looking for we must then think about the sort of qualities we want and expect from the other person. At the same time we must be firm in our mind that we will be the chooser in any relationship and not sit back and be the chosen. By being the chooser we can control the situation and to help towards this we can use three aids: search, check out and test. It may sound a bit complicated but it is a simple process of eliminating people who don’t meet our requirements.

1. By searching we can choose the areas we may find a partner, be it through friends, joining a club or society or by joining a dating agency
2. Checking out is a way of separating the type of person we are looking for from the ones we are not
3. Testing is  used once we have searched and checked. It is the format of actually meeting people and seeing if they  meet our full requirements.

Our  requirements are of the utmost importance and we must stick to them to ensure we don’t have a disaster down the line. They may be: in the type of relationship, honesty, trust, age, location, whether single or divorced, have children or not, be caring, thoughtful, adventurous, financially stable, etc. These requirements are our basic necessity in any new relationship and must be carefully thought out and kept to.

When we finally get to the situation of meeting someone it is easy to fall into the trap of accepting that a few fun dates, late-night calls and regular emails are a good sign. Yes, they are all a good start, but we must remember what our requirements are. Or is this all we are looking for at the moment – a little fun and chat? After a few months, when the chats, dates and emails are less frequent we have to decide if the relationship has any depth or substance. If it does not,  the chances are that it will fail.

It is important therefore to be honest with ourselves and the other person and to tell them exactly what it is we are looking for. If an endless stream of dates lasting a couple of months is OK for you, fine. BUT think back to the beginning. WHAT DO WE REALLY WANT? After a few dates, when we are getting to know each other, we really do have to make sure we know what we are getting into. Always be honest with yourself AND to yourself. Don’t let yourself believe love will conquer all. Love is very important in any relationship but so is trust, caring  and honesty. We can love someone – but if we cannot trust them or believe that  they are being honest with us it can lead to a doomed relationship.

As a single parent, remember not to put your life on hold while waiting for that ‘special one’. Continue to enjoy life with your  children and friends. Carry on being happy with what you have at present – a successful single person with children – and eventually that happiness and enjoyment will attract the right sort of partner. AND always ensure that any new relationship fits in with your life.

This is just a little about dating and finding a new partner but for more in-depth details (including success with online dating agencies or how to avoid dating mistakes) contact Alan at: info@reallife-coaching.com

www.reallife-coaching.com